My Father may have suddenly been taken from me without saying goodbye but I am the one left behind to carry a burden of grief, guilt and endless tears. Or am I?
The one thing I carry with me is that He did not suffer too much in the last week of his life but even that I will not ever know for certain since I wasn’t there. It’s only on a say so of the doctors and nurses that were taking care of him. And I am grateful to them all and I respect them for being there, it’s just frustrating that after a week of him collapsing I actually do not know why he died that Saturday night. Without the slightest warning. All on his own.
My heart broke in a million pieces and my world came to a standstill at the news. I shed an enormous sea of tears until there were no more. Sleepless nights followed trying to make sense of it all yet nothing could calm a whirlwind in my head. How do you come to terms with not ever seeing the one you looked up to, learnt from, respected and loved with all of your heart ever again? How do you comprehend the enormity of life cut off out of the blue?
Life takes you on all sorts of journeys and tests every woman/man to their limits sometimes, but the strength comes from within. It comes from guidance and teachings of people who raised you, who instilled in you the love of yourself and respect for others. Never to give up and find happiness in little things first, only then you shall be worthy of more. And that’s what my Father has taught me. Little by little, be overwhelmed and filled with sadness but your inner strength will find a way of finding the light, shining in the lives who are still here because of him.
My heart bleeds every time he comes into my thoughts but I have now locked my Father in my heart and he will forever live in me and Leo&Raph. I will always remember him with love, fondness and optimism that I will see him again. I am eternally grateful for him being in my life, for being my Father and for all the memories we have created together. I let myself being sad that I won’t be able to hug him ever again, but at the same time I celebrate our time together every time my thoughts turn to him. If it all gets too much, which still does, I talk to him. It may just be in my head but I know he is listening. He is with me every day, forever, until the day I die. And both our hearts will be joyous again….
frombrotherswithlove 